my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He passed out mid-signature
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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