I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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