Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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