So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
