Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
