Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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