They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So vagazzling was a success
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize