He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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