enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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