Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Randomize
