Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
