i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
