Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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