It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
