Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
