Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
