Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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