i permit you to call me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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