just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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