Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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