dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
