Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
