YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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