My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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