Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
