I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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