Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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