He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
