I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
