Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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