he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
