before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
