I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
