i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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