Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
