I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
