Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
