I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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