i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Even my vagina gasped.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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