Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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