So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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