i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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