i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I love you. Go after that dick
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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