My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
