i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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