We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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