Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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