Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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