I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
