I love black thongs
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
