maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
