Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
