he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
