his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
