Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
