I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
