I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
