How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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