It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
