I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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