im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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