Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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