Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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