Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
When are your genitals available?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
