I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
