I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
